I know what I do in my own home to prevent bullying, not that either one of my children are bullies, but there are times that I see behaviors that I put a quick stop to. I have always been that mom that talks to their children like little adults. My husband and I used to squabble over how that worked or didn't work. My husband, a farm boy, said a quick light swat to let them know you're serious will stop them from doing something you don't want them to do. I on the other hand, as a woman, like to talk things out, sometimes, until yes, I am blue in the face. I found that when children are small and you give them a swat for doing something, and just saying, "NO," they don't quite get what they are doing wrong. Remember they are still quite new to our world, and things need explained to them. Kind of like driving a car, you aren't just put in a car for the first time and told to go, you are explained the rules of driving, you learn about the steering, the gas and break pedals, and so on. Kids need that same explanation when it comes to doing things wrong.
My son would do something, let's say throw a toy, and I would sit my son down and say, "we don't throw our toys, the reason we don't throw our toys is....blah, blah, blah." I would ask him if he understood why we don't throw our toys, and with his big eyes, he would look at me and shake his head yes. I would proceed to ask him to give me a reason why. I did this to make sure he did hear me, he understood, and so that I knew he was growing in focusing on listening. He would repeat me, many times word for word. I think this would drive my husband nuts, but I can say, my son never threw another toy again! I did the same with my daughter after she was born. It is important to explain to children why something is wrong instead of just yelling out, "NO" and moving on. Their brains sometimes don't quite get the whole reasoning why.
The first time I saw my son with a lighter, I pulled up stories on the internet of other children that played with matches and lighters and ended up burning down their homes, and sometimes, even killing a family member or pet. My son was very scared that this could happen to him and again with teaching how to responsibly use a lighter and talking about when it's ok to use one, we never had any problems after that. Children need direction, that is the bottom line. That is why they are "children" and we are "parents." It is OUR job to teach our children, not only that things are right and wrong, but WHY they are such.
I feel that in today's world, the bullying in the schools, is out of control. Kids are bullied for wearing glasses, for not wearing the right shoes, for wearing an unattractive outfit or gaudy jewelry. They are bullied and made fun of for not having a boy/girlfriend, for having too many. For being too skinny, for being too fat, for being the tallest girl or shortest boy. The reasons are endless in our schools. Ask your own children, are they being bullied? IF so, why? Are they too smart, does the teacher like them, are they a little slow on learning or ask a lot of questions? Do we scold our children for being WHO they are? NO, absolutely NOT!!! It needs to be explained that we are all individuals with very different and unique features. We are special in our own right because we were made to be as such. I do not tolerate any bullying. This world is full of adults who judge, and in a sense, bully others. When are we just going to accept one another for the people that we were created to be?
The first year of Middle School for my son was one of great change and challenge. He just left a wonderful elementary school with happy teachers, play time, fun learning techniques, and kids who got along. Now he steps into a school with the same ideas in his head from what he has learned all of his school days life. He is expecting to walk into a place where teachers are happy, the students are cheerful, and learning is still exciting and fun, but wait......it's nothing like that. It is a prison of seriousness beyond understanding. How does one deal with such change? How can they be thrown into a snake pit of children that are willing to climb over each other, and are mean just to be "popular." In my 6th grader's mind, what is "popular," and why is it so important to be there? My son was coming home from school, and over about a month, I have watched my huge hearted son become sad and tired. He wasn't the cheerful boy, the crack up I once knew. The homework was taking over and projects were non stop. Although my son was in Honors, he was feeling the effects of school. I asked him one day if the work was too hard and he said,"no, not at all." I asked if he was bored in school and again, he said, "no, he was fine." I knew this was not true, but I could not put my finger on what was going on.
One day, my son came home from school and we were talking. I asked how his day was and he just simply said, "good." I looked down and saw grass stains on his knees. I asked him if he feel today at school, he said, "no, why." I asked him where he got the grass stains and he looked at his pants like he didn't realize there was evidence of something left behind. I saw his face and he looked at me in my eyes. I knew that something was totally wrong. Now understand that my son and I have a very strong bond, and I can almost read every look on his face. He came out and said that a kid at school pushed him......
Well, let's just say that after a long conversation about bullying and how it is my job to protect him, we tried to figure out a solution. I thought about this, and again my Italian/German side wanted to come out fist a swingin' but I decided to have faith in the school system. I contacted his teacher and explained the situation. I told her that we had two choices; since she was the teacher and has dealt with this type of behavior in the past that she could take care of it immediately, or option 2, I come in and take care of it, and I sincerely warned her, she wouldn't want that. The next day the teacher took my son AND the bully out to the hall. She asked the kid if he pushed my son and with a smile, said, "yes!" Straight to the principles office he went. He did get in school suspension for a few days and I was happy about that, BUT now what do you do about all of that kid's friends that he went and told that my son got him in trouble? For days my son walked down the hall and heard, "Why did you get ________ in trouble, that's not cool man." I explained to my son that HE did not get this kid in trouble, that the kid got HIMSELF in trouble! I also said that he needed to hold his head high and not let this bother him at all that it was nothing that he did, but instead, something that this other kid was dealing with.
I personally felt it was a "just because I am cool and popular, I can do what I want, and it's not a big deal" type of thing going on, but even so it was unacceptable. I started to wonder why this kid would act in such a manner, and then it became a little clearer. This child was a spoiled boy who was able to get away with things. His parents were perceived to have money and the kids played on a sports team and were known. Well, that doesn't matter to me. So where does the circle start, my opinion, at home!
We need to take time with our children, explain the importance of bullying and what it can lead to. Our children are stressed to the max with meeting school criteria for learning, tests, projects, homework, trying to keep some social life, as well as extracurricular activities. It may be a much needed reality to sit with our children and talk about how bullying or even being bullied can lead to suicidal deaths. Below is a list of factors and statistics that may be of importance to you when talking with your own child.
- Suicide is the fourth leading cause of death among those 5-14 years old.
- Suicide is the third leading cause of death among those 15-24 years old.
- Between the mid-1950s and the late 1970s, the suicide rate among U.S. males aged 15-24 more than tripled (from 6.3 per 100,000 in 1955 to 21.3 in 1977). Among females aged 15-24, the rate more than doubled during this period (from 2.0 to 5.2). The youth suicide rate generally leveled off during the 1980s and early 1990s, and since the mid-1990s has been steadily decreasing.
- Between 1980-1996, the suicide rate for African-American males aged 15-19 has also doubled.
This again is a topic that we as parents need to discuss with our children. Let them know that it's ok to delete a member that is bullying them, it's ok to ignore text messages that are inappropriate, and let them know that no one has the right to be mean to them. They have got to have your love and support and openness to these subjects, because to be honest.....they have no one else. Friendships aren't like the ones we grew up with. Most people will turn on a friend if a "popular" kid is bullying them.
If you know a child that is the one doing the bullying, it is your responsibility to talk with that child's parent about the subject. If they blow you off, seek additional help from the school. You can even talk to them anonymously. If you know your child is bullying others, please, please make time to sit with your child and talk to them about the consequences of their behavior. Tell them about teen/child suicides and make them understand. Make them repeat it back to you. Make them open up to why they feel they need to bully. It could be that someone once did it to them. Remind them how THEY felt if so. It might be to "fit in" or be "popular"....whatever the reason, show them articles of outcomes of bullying. I have found tons of information online regarding bullying, but it all has to start at home!
We all love our children, they will always be loved with the good and bad that they do, it is our human nature to protect them and love them, guide them, and support them....that's the easy part in my opinion. The part that is hard is disciplining them, teaching them, and making them understand right from wrong, not just telling them...."Because I said so!"
I hope that this gives you a reason, even if you don't think you need one at this time, to sit with your child, talk about their feelings and about bullying. Be blessed, love your child, and remember they need you as their direction pamphlet to life!!!
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